Autopsy of a Soul – Page 2

Late one night I was sitting on a piece of drift wood on a beautiful beach listening to the ocean and waiting for waves to hit my feet. I looked up and saw a shooting star.

At that exact moment the word “awareness” exploded in my head. At first I did not know what this word was or where it came from but I heard that voice again. I thought what a great message from the universe. My mind was stirring and I wondered, what am I supposed to learn about awareness? As the waves tickled my toes the spray of ocean hit my body, the cold spray made me shiver and my mind wondered about awareness. “Awareness” is the quality or state of being aware. It evoked images of having knowledge, and the understanding of my own shortcomings. In another flash I hear the word “image” replacing the word awareness, for a moment I saw an outline of a sculptured likeness of who I was, or who I would like to be. Change occurred one second at a time, and before I realized, those seconds became years of doubt and fear. Fear came into my life like a new outfit completely seducing me. I felt something was wrong with me, I thought I was not worthy of anybody’s time. Sometimes I experienced fear as being jittery and uncomfortable in my own skin and I was afraid I might be labeled with some kind of disorder. I felt awkward and subconscious of my appearance. I did not consciously decided to isolate myself, but I woke up one day to find I was spending most of my time alone.

Where does fear come from? Often I wondered why I was afraid, and if fear would ever leave me. I chose my first mask was when I was eight years old. I was sitting on the porch waiting for the sun to set knowing my father would soon come home from work. I was sitting on the porch when I looked up and saw father heading home. I ran over to the old cabinet pulling on the worn knob that had no paint left on it. I reached in and grabbed lard to polish my black patent leather shoes. I applied the lard rubbing all over my shoes making them shinny and looking new. I wanted my worn out shoes to be clean and shinny and my hair laced with bright red ribbons. I made sure I looked pretty before I danced around my father. I was certain that with my new red ribbons, shinny shoes and clean pretty dress I would grab his attention.

After dinner I danced around my father, but he paid me no attention. I ran to the bedroom and changed my dress and started dancing faster and smiling. In my loud strong
voice I yelled, “Dad look at me, I made myself pretty just for you.” I thought if I changed my appearance and created a beautiful mask he would see me; but I was invisible to my father. The more fear I had, the more unsafe I felt and the bigger my false mask became.

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