Autopsy of a Soul – Page 3

I was crushed and embarrassed because I thought I had not danced well enough, or I did not look pretty enough. I wanted his attention and approval; but though the years no matter what I tried, or what mask I created I did not impress my father. My soul cried out for his love and approval, but I had no success.

Not feeling validated and safe created many different masks and enabled me to put a false front to the world. Born from that fear, we create a new image of ourselves.
In a lifetime I experienced many masks of fear, anger, self imposed poor image and ego. My most frequent mask was wearing makeup; I would never leave the house without makeup or go to bed without makeup. When I had to face or meet a new person, I would make sure my makeup and hair were perfect and pretend I was happy and sexy. I hid behind laughter and jokes to cover my uneasiness. The sadness came because I thought I was lacking in beauty and love, and by wearing makeup I was hiding from the world my ugliness. I felt I was always dancing in front of the world for acceptance.

The mask of makeup covering my shame and self hate was the hardest to wear and maintain. It covered my living with deep loneliness and feeling that I was missing
something while dying inside. The smile on my lips said, “I am the luckiest woman in the world;” as soon as those words spilled out of my mouth, I felt a giant hand squeeze my heart.

My life was an illusion of love turned into a prison life with no hope. But like my mother, I did not show anyone my painful slow death. That emotional death cost me and my mother. We suffered emotionally, and detached ourselves from others even our children. This was our role as women.


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