Autopsy of a Soul – Page 5

unknowingly or on purpose, one is chastised and punished. When one is bad, if God did not punish, one would go to hell or worse, the old witch would come after us and take us all alive to her evil place, never to return home.
I was always told “God is watching you.” Knowing that God was always watching me, heart pounding fear wrapped me in invisible chains each day. During the winter months my family gathered around the big black stove, feeding it wood to keep the house warm. Mother would tell stories of the old witch and all the horrible things the witch would do to children that misbehaved. My brothers and I believed every word; even today I still hear parents tell the same stories of the witch to control kids.
I became so fearful that just enjoying a fantasy caused me great feelings of guilt and I thought any moment I could be taken away or punished by God. My stage of fear was well set before I was six years old, my life was scary. I was groomed by fear to be subservient.

My family dynamics were a kaleidoscope of personalities with jagged unpredictable, colorful, amusing and hurtful views. Sometimes in my mind I would turn my families kaleidoscope in hopes of understanding them, all  I saw was raw emotion that would frighten me so much it brought tears to my heart and I felt unsafe around them; I felt unsafe for years.

Like me, my brothers kept turning their own kaleidoscope in hopes of finding approval, acceptance and love outside themselves. But when my brothers became young men, they learned how to control and demand what they wanted with their own brand of macho madness. Their worst fear was showing weakness of any kind; a painful and a horrible burden for them to carry. Fear comes with shame, guilt that hides secret crying for love and acceptance.

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